Never Say Never

If there is one thing that I know it is that things change.

People, opinions, likes and dislikes, things you thought you'd never do, relationships, styles, tastes in both personal choices and food - nearly everything goes through transitions, both large and small.

Life and experiences change us. We discover things about ourselves and the world around us. We mature, growing out of certain things and into others. Our attitudes about certain things naturally evolve as we have more personal experience to draw on. The things we are exposed to through location, culture, friends, family, and the media allow us to experience a much broader spectrum than we would have encountered or sought out on our own.

If we are wise, we welcome this natural unfolding and developing of who we are, knowing that we are always free to continue developing and changing. It is less wise to cling to a position we've outgrown, or insist on remaining firm about an opinion we no longer believe just because it was ours once.

You don't have to devalue your previous choices. You honor that those were your feelings and decisions at the time, made honestly and to the best of your ability. You accept and even embrace that you have the privilege to make different choices now and know with equal grace that you will doubtless change again in time.

It's only a problem when we resist change, or insist on insisting that we haven't changed. When we allow our stubbornness and pride to entrench us into something we know deep down isn't in our own best interests.

Ask yourself to consider something as objectively as you can without attaching any past or emotional weight to it. What choice would you make right now based on the current situation, your current feelings, and your current circumstances?

A strange source of inspiration on this calm concept of fluid personal change is my brother, Matt. A few weeks back we were talking about something and we got onto the topic of his philosophy about making choices. He and Emily will ask each other what they would do about whatever the given situation in an ideal world, like if money was no option. Although money does matter a lot, asking themselves to consider what their most unbiased decision would be if they removed external influences and/or restrictions often gives them insight and direction on what they should really do.

Today, I am considering things I thought were completely outside the scope of the considerable for me, and trying to do it as gracefully and graciously as I possibly can.

-k

Ironic, I think.

We were doing our usual Tuesday afternoon volunteer stint at our church today, when Ian got bit by fire ants. A LOT. You see, he was outside with one of his cousins, and this being Texas, he stood somewhere the fire ants objected to, and they let him know in no uncertain terms that he wasn't welcome to continue standing there.

He was upset. Of course. That HURTS. It burns. Hence the name.

Grandma Bob got him a cold wet paper towel to soothe the bites while we drove home. Then, we distracted him with fresh kool-aid, and the offer to watch the movie of his choice.

His choice?

A Bug's Life... which is about... ants...

-k

Back to Ambivalent

I figured out what I was doing wrong with the knitting. I started over AGAIN and then again when I decided to switch patterns to a thinner rib... then ONE MORE DAMN TIME to switch to a different size needle.

Since he could hear the cussing from there, my brother Jim asked me what the big difference is between knitting and crocheting anyway. Why bother? I know how to crochet... extremely well actually since I've been doing it for years and playing with every pattern book I can get my hands on. Why bother learning to knit anyway?

First off, I wanted to learn for myself what the differences are between knitting and crocheting. I know all about what you can do with crocheting and I've learned how to do some things that closely mirror what you can do with cable-knitting. I wanted to see for myself if it was harder to knit, or just different. I wanted to be able to know for myself that I could do it.

More than that, knitting is smoother, finer, more seductive. Knitting is traditional. Knitting has such history to it. So much romance. Crochet is faster, easier, thicker, and MUCH easier to fix screw-ups.

I don't intend to switch to a knitter. I just wanted to explore what's possible.

Then, at my first meeting of the knitting/crocheting group, one of the ladies had brought an example of a cable-knit sweater that she'd done and my jaw dropped open. It was GORGEOUS. Every pattern was smooth and inviting. I KNOW it must have been harder than hell to do because everyone was impressed. And I do NOT intend to start making garments. But I would love to learn to make intricate knitting patterns for scarves and blankets.

But it's still hard for me.

I did work out the problem I was having. I am working on that rainbow scarf I have been wanting to do forever and a day. We'll see how I feel when that's done. IF it's ever done...

-k

Knitting update

Oh at the moment I DEPLORE knitting!

To be fair, I am attempting to learn something new at a time when I'm not getting much sleep, having at least one small child nearly constantly in my arms, am completely frazzled about how broke we are, and couldn't afford more yarn even if I became a knitting goddess...

All that aside, I thought I was doing great. I thought this knitting thing was a snap. After all, after all this time of being intimidated by the idea, I finally just picked up a pair of needles and a book and taught myself a cast on method, basic knitting, basic purling, and starting in on "stockinette" stitch, which is knit a row, then purl a row, until you reach desired length. I was loving it. I was so proud. I must have been TOO proud because the yarn goddesses smacked me down several notches.

First notch, the pattern I picked isn't meant for stand alone projects because it curls in on itself. My lovely rainbow scarf was getting smaller and rounder by the row, so I finally undid it, and thought I'd try something else.

That's when it got ugly.

I asked for help from my new yarn friends, and they offered some great advice. They suggested adding a border to the end and the sides that would help keep the pattern from curling, and they suggested doing a basic ribbing stitch instead. Both great suggestions. Both complete failures on my part.

And I think I know why... apparently when you knit, you not only put the needle in under the other needle, you wind the yarn a certain direction. And apparently when you purl, you not only put the needle in OVER the other needle (which I was doing), you have to wind the yarn in some other direction. Now, since according to physics there should really only be two ways to easily wind the yarn over a given needle, this doesn't sound that hard. Just wind it the other way, right?

Apparently, that's beyond my skill level.

WAY beyond my patience level.

Right at my breaking point when I become a sailor mouth. Which isn't good when you are already stressed out and surrounded by small children who repeat anything you say, let alone something you said with GUSTO that you shouldn't have said. Children instinctively know what things you've said that you shouldn't have and commit them to memory immediately, only to reproduce them at the worst possible moments and louder than you did.

So, after MANY M.A.N.Y. attempts that all ended in me unraveling everything I've done... I resolved to just put the needles down until my beloved sister, Rebecca, can come over and show my stupid ass what I'm doing wrong.

THANK GOD FOR YOU REBECCA.

-k

Good Reason

Well internet, I'm up late tonight for good reason. Okay, technically since it's 12:15 a.m., I'm up early... but I think if you stayed up the entire time it's late... not early. It's all perspective.

As to WHY, it started because of Princess Peepants. She would NOT settle down tonight. We had to go back in every 30-45 minutes and get her back to sleep. THAT gets old. And when we are well into month nine... I think it's safe to say that I'm past breaking point and into certifiable insanity.

That's how it started.

But then, since I was so wound up that I literally couldn't have slept without the assistance of drugs or a brick to the temples, I needed something calming to do.

I picked up my crocheting, which I love... and set it back down.

Yes, this evening, when I was already PAST frustrated and annoyed seemed like a good time to try to teach myself how to knit. From a book.

If THAT doesn't have good idea written all over it, what would, right?

SHOCKINGLY, I did just that. I taught myself the basics tonight... so successfully that I've begun my project I wanted to do in order to learn basic knitting. Which is a rainbow scarf, about 30 stitches wide, in the stockinette stitch, which is purl one row, then knit one row, alternating until you finish.

And it's looking perfect. Perfectly even stitches. I like the size of needles I chose, making tiny perfect little stitches. I am so THRILLED with how it's going.

And I just wanted to share that with you, oh internet. I wanted to share my excitement, my enthusiasm, and my success.

Now, I must sleep.

While I can. Because Herself will wake again soon. And I must answer Her call. AGAIN. A.G.A.I.N.

-k

Mixed Feelings

Going and doing something outside of your comfort zone can be... well... a little uncomfortable.

I recently joined a group here in town that gets together to knit, crochet, and do other projects with yarn. I have been determined to get out of my shell and meet people and develop a social circle, at least a little. And this was something I thought really suited me. I thought that a bunch of women who share similar interests would be a great place to meet a new circle of folks I wouldn't have bumped into otherwise, to get a little time to myself where I wasn't responsible for the kids constantly, and to be social.

It was. It SO was. It was wonderful. I loved the ladies. I even loved the old house where we met. I felt so comfortable and relaxed and worked on a project that I am loving right now. It was great.

Until I got home.

Where I was met by a household left behind in chaos and disarray by my taking this time for myself.

And now I'm beyond frustrated. Michael encouraged me to go to this group and encouraged me to stay the full time. But when I got home, things hadn't gone particularly well with the kids while I was gone, and now he seems mad and went to bed practically without speaking to me... leaving me feeling like I did something wrong.

Grrrr.

So, I will not overreact. I won't take it personally. I won't blow up and say anything unkind or self-righteous. If anything, I feel for him. I know what it's like to deal with the kids. It takes a lot out of you. Which brings me full circle to why I went to this in the first place.

I just hate it when something that starts off lovely gets all tangled up and confused with feeling that your soulmate and beloved is not also happy.

-k

A Perfect Match

Nothing in my life up to this date prepared me for the absurdity of the moment.

Apparently nothing in Michael's prepared him either.

But there we were... in our bathroom... Michael holding aloft our screaming child so that I could clean his poop encrusted booty before putting him to bed for the night. I was horrified. I was irritated. Michael saw the absurdity and actually started laughing out loud.

THAT'S why he's the perfect man for me.

I love that man so very VERY much.

-k

Really Cute

Today, I put Her Royal Highness in baby jail. She'd been fed, changed, played with, and catered to all morning and I needed a minute to myself. I used this minute for something really selfish, like to use the bathroom without a little wiggly companion.

Then it got quiet.

As any parent knows, we react with lightning speed to quiet because the causes can be so... well... exciting.

I came around the corner to see that Ian had climbed into her playpen with her, had his arms around her, and was crooning, "It's okay... Ian's here. You're okay... I've got you."

I just wanted to melt. In fact, I think I did a little.

They both got extra juice.

-k

Ponytail Rut

I am in a ponytail rut. This happens to me periodically. I have kind of long hair. And it's just so darn easy to pull it back into a ponytail. I know how to do dozens of different braiding styles... variations on buns... rolls and twists that you pull up with various claws and clips... but nothing is quite so fast and easy as the ponytail.

In an effort to break the ponytail rut, I am wearing my hair up in a twist with a claw/clip today... and I plan to make myself some beautiful new barrettes to try to inspire me to do other things with it.

In some ways, I missed out because I was such a tomboy growing up that I never did the girly things. I lived in a dormitory in high school, and again in college... and although I had longish hair at the time, I didn't do the girl-bonding things of having other people braid my hair and things like that. I had one best friend who loved to play with my hair while we watched television... but I wish I'd done more with it. I wish I'd taken advantage of having all those girls around to learn to be more girly.

And I'm a contradiction in terms because I don't like anyone I don't know and feel comfortable with to touch me... and certainly not something as familiar and intimate as my hair. But I LOVE to have people play with my hair and having my hair washed, brushed, braided, or styled in some way by someone who knows what they are doing is a little piece of heaven.

In fact, my sweet husband gave me a gift certificate for Christmas that said he'd play with my hair and even learn to braid it! My husband. Can you just picture that? I love when he plays with and/or brushes my hair... but I have a hard time picturing those great big hands braiding my hair. And with the demands of the business, three kids, a house, and all the other things that come up in life, I haven't been able to redeem my hair brushing certificates... although I've tried once or twice. And with our budget being as tight as it is, I don't even go out to have my hair trimmed anymore. My lovely mom combs it straight and trims a little off for me every few months...

Ah well... until the Universe sees fit to gift me with luxuriant, abundant finances... I guess I'll just try to get inspired to do more with my own hair... starting with breaking this ponytail rut.

-k

Oh HEAVEN HELP US

Katie has been pulling herself up to a standing position on things for a while now. She loves to stand holding your fingers and balance herself, and lean WAAAAAAY forward like she's about to take off. Her balance is really wobbly... but today, she stood out, let go of one of my hands, and took a step away to the ottoman to get Daddy.

OH DEAR LORD.

I'm so not ready for this child to start walking.

I honestly think it will still be a month at least before she strikes off and starts really doing it because she truly doesn't have the balance thing down.

But, a month is a whole lot faster than I was thinking she was planning to start the walking schtick.

Our house just ain't ready.

And the window of opportunity to do something proactive about it is shrinking.

Rapidly.

-k

Having Given Birth to Polar Opposites

Every child is different. For this blog, I shall focus on my two boys.

Ian today: Playing hard and rough by himself in the livingroom today, I heard a toppling crash and came racing around the corner to find that he'd flipped himself end over end and ended up with his end in the air, face in the carpet, neck at a bad angle. I asked him if he was okay, and I could barely make out his answer because he was still face-planted into the carpet, but I'm fairly sure that all he said was "ouch" and even laughed at himself. And hasn't mentioned it again. I would bet he doesn't even remember.

Cory today: Playing in the backyard with Ian today, Cory came limping into the kitchen, grimacing, wincing, and asked in a weak, pained voice for a wet paper towel and a bandaid... for a minuscule scratch that was frankly undetectable to the naked human eye that he claimed was a mortal wound he might die from. And has continued to limp. And complain. And attempt to milk his injury. No one is buying it, but him.

Ian today [and really every day]: I'm hungry. (gets fed). I'm still hungry. (gets more food). Mom, can I have something to eat? (yes) Mom, I need something to eat. (okay). Do you think I could have a little snack? (Sure).

Cory today [and really every day]: I'm hungry. (nibbles part of a pretzel... decides it was too much after all... tries to put it back in the bag... leaves the bag open on the shelf... when asked about the pretzel he couldn't bring himself to finish complains that they were stale... it is pointed out that HE doesn't close them AND put it back in the bag... denies it... is SHOWN that he JUST DID IT... whines... tries to stomp off but can't stomp due to crippling foot injury that he might die from).

I wish I was exaggerating. They truly are day and night like that. Cory is dark brown and skinny. Ian is pale white and solid as a rock. Cory has chocolate brown eyes. Ian has baby blue eyes. Cory will be a sweet, considerate boyfriend who will get dumped for a meaner guy. Ian will use girls up like tissues and cast them aside without a thought for their poor feelings. Cory never believes he has ever done anything wrong in his whole life and he's just being persecuted unfairly by his rotten parents. Ian knows that he's a big turkey and that he gets away with things he shouldn't because he's cute and he adores his sweet, wonderful parents.

I don't love one more than the other. They both make me insane in their own different ways. I can't stand the idea that they are growing up so fast and sooner than I will ever be ready for, they will move out into the world on their own, where I can't wrap my arms around them and protect them from all life's heartbreaks... and faceplants... and undetectable booboos.

-k

One big sticking point

In our otherwise lovely marriage is Michael's love of the worst television imaginable. He LOVES to watch COPS, and any other brand of that same schlock. He loves them. Can't stop himself. He watchs the LIFEGUARD cops shows for crying out loud.

I have asked him repeatedly what on earth it can possibly be that he sees in this crap. I hate it. I hate taking that in even on a secondhand subliminal level. I hate seeing the lowest common denominator in human behavior. I can see NO redeeming value in these shows. NONE.

I think part of it is he likes the adrenaline of watching the chases. I think he likes to experience what he thinks it might be like to be a cop without any of the danger of actually having to be in those situations. I think he needs to find another hobby. Nearly any other hobby would do.

It bugs me.

A lot.

You may have noticed.

He hasn't.

He refuses to notice. Because that might interrupt important police business.

If this continues much longer, you might want to watch cops. You just might see us.

-k

I did it.

I did it. I reached out to someone. I stepped WAY out of my comfort zone and I'm hoping that the Universe rewards my bravery. I replied to an email that wasn't even particularly aimed at me, and in so doing, may have not only found a new activity that I can do, but potentially a new group of friends.

I did it. This week, I really worked on being more active physically. My life is always busy and hectic with loads of errands and obligations, but I worked very hard to be more physically active to have more energy and make sure my kids are getting lots of time in the fresh air and away from "screens".

I did it. I didn't feel like teaching Sunday School this morning, and I made myself go. Not only did I go, but I was struck with inspiration and I think I ended up having a good class and making some points that the kids took home with them. THAT'S what it's all about.

I did it. I talked to Michael about a few of the issues that have been bothering me, instead of sending them in to Post Secret. It's way better that way, I think.

And now, I am going to go to bed earlier... since my princess will be calling for her faithful maidservant all too soon.

-k

Ian-isms

Crispee - as in, "Let's go in the backyard and throw around the "crispee". Lately, we've been hanging out at the park, and this is a new favorite activity.

Pancake Poops - we own a "pancake puff" pan and we like to make them for breakfast. Ian just has his own name for them...

He likes to tell me that "I'm awwwwwwesome", which I particularly enjoy.

We are enjoying each other and this time at home together... although he's also a certified POOPER NEINER. He's very stubborn and he's learning to try to "cute" his way out of things. It doesn't work on me. Often works on Daddy... almost never on Mommy.

I'm Velma to his Shaggy. I even bought him the Keebler Scooby snacks, which are these amazing super thick crunchy sweet graham crackers shaped just like a dog bone stamped with Scooby snacks on them.

And at night, I tell him a new story about him that I make up on the spot. Some of them are quite good and I should be writing them down!

-k

Saturday Morning at the Harrison Household

Here, in all their unretouched glory... my children...

I am so proud... for those five minutes, there was no fighting!

-k

Things I LOVE

* soft yarn in beautiful shades
* polka dots
* the smell of my baby girl, especially her neck
* my son Ian's laugh and his mischievous blue eyes
* my son Cory's crazy hair and braces smile
* my husband's kindness to strangers
* my yard
* playing the piano
* crocheting
* cooking
* the smell of freshly baked bread
* wildflowers
* notecards (I LOVE writing and sending actual mail to send to someone's physical mailbox)
* jinglebells (all year)
* braids and braiding
* the Wicked Witch of the West
* pugs and english bulldogs
* glass marbles
* pin stripes (except on vehicles)
* wooden baskets lined with pretty fabrics for organizing things
* my wedding ring
* my church
* reading a good book, even to the feel of the pages

There is a great deal of good in this world. And I believe that it's all just the vaguest shadows of the true Reality that is all around us if we only could learn how to see it and live in THAT Reality. Nothing ugly, angry, irritated or limited is Real. Only good is real. And good is limitless.

I believe you can boil down what I believe about God into the following statement: God is All and God is good.

Now, I work daily to learn to truly understand that simple truth and see it manifested in my daily experience.

And I believe that begins with being grateful for the multitude of small miracles and things to be grateful for... hence... this list, which just scratches the surface.

-k

To You

Open letter to "eeee-,"

Look, I know you won't read this and even if you did, you'd never admit it. So why bother writing it? Because I clearly need some closure. Because there is a place in my life that belonged to you and since I haven't filled that particular space with someone else, by default it still belongs to you.

Is it an emotional affair? Well, for one glaringly obvious reason, I don't think you could classify it that way. You see we haven't talked for years. So, it's about as far from an affair as you can get since there's ZERO interaction. On the other hand, it's a relationship outside of my marriage that has extreme emotional significance and continues to have an impact on me. Does it damage my relationship with Michael at all? Nope. Does he know about it? Yup, totally. Is he cool with it? Mostly. He knows that you were my best friend for years and years and that I still care about you a great deal. He knows that things ended in an ugly and hurtful way. He knows that I have a really hard time making friends and that this broken relationship with you has a lot to do with that. Do I love you? Without a doubt. And that love is what causes me to keep my promise to you, albeit given in a moment of extreme emotional upset and frustration, that I wouldn't try to contact you again. And the fact that I do love you so much isn't his favorite thing in the world, but he understands. He's awesome.

So why can't I just move on? What are you to me anyway? A large part of that question is in the abovementioned fact that I don't make friends easily and you were more than a friend. You were a soulmate. And it's hard to ever really break a tie like that. Even when you try. Which I have. Part of the problem is in the way our friendship ended. You see, for a few shining moments we were in touch again and it was so clear that we still were everything to each other that we'd ever been and that the time and distance between us could just dissolve and we'd be us again in instants. And in the moments it took to realize that, I exalted in the glory of that possibility and you decided. You decided that for you to decide to let that distance dissolve was unthinkable. Your life had gone in a direction that couldn't and wouldn't involve me. In those moments, we were each faced with the choice and we chose opposites and with equal resolve. And for the exact same reasons, actually. I was so ecstatic to think that just like that we could be right back where we left off and charge forward ahead to new and greater things. You were horrified to discover that just like that we would be right back where we left off and you can't me and your life. I respect that. I hate it, but I respect it.

It isn't as easy as saying that I should just make some new friends. I have. I have even tried to make friends mean as much to me as you did. You can't make connections like that. They either happen or they don't. In the first moments we knew each other, we were already closer than I ever get to most people in years of shared acquaintance. It's that way with soulmates. And you know that as well as I do, or we could just be friends who get in touch once in a while to shoot the breeze and then drift off into our lives again. THAT you could fit into your life.

So the desire to find you grows and I smush it down. A promise is a promise. I won't go looking for you again. I know you could find me if you wanted to and that unless you wanted to, I wouldn't like what I found if I tracked you down. I console myself that your life must be going well, otherwise you'd find me. And life is long. There is still time. And Life is eternal. There will always be time. If we don't work it out in this experience, we'll get more chances. I think maybe when we met this go around we were still connected from other times and that's why we had such an instant connection this time. There's no reason to think that won't happen again.

Very well. I will send this, what amounts to a love note, out into the universe. I hope it finds its way to you somehow. I hope that even if you never contact me again, you at least admit to yourself that you wish you could.

I'm going to go listen to "Tom's Diner". And only you would truly appreciate why.

-k

Ah portraits

Aside from the obvious, that these are a DAMN RIOT, I am struck by how grown up Cory looks... by how much like ME Katie looks (particularly in the second picture, I think), and how much I ADORE my children... Yes, I took all of these, can you tell?

-k